i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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