I faked an abortion last night.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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