My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
