new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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