I just threw up on my dentist
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
