people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
