I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
