I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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