I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
