Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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