i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
