in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
