i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
