I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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