i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i dont even know how to be here
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
