I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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