u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
