If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
