i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
