i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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