That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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