The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
