i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
