I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
