Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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