i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
