wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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