how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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