I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My hand turned me down
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
