Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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