My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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