we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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