After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
