I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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