I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
