The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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