if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
