I love black thongs
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
