so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
