Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
