It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
