Soap is not a condiment
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
