After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
