YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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