I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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