Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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