Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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