after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My vagina is officially offended.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
