the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
