so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We were destined to go to rehab together
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
