Who wears a wallet chain?!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Randomize
