Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
