I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
