i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
