i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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