Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
