she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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