I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
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I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
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Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
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